The Green Gang

Published On March 17, 2011 | By Kymbo Slice | Music

Happy holidays to all you Irish mofos. Today, I’m more concerned with all the bad juju surrounding how people choose to celebrate this liver-murdering holiday. What’s with all the beef about how today’s the REAL St. Pat’s day and anyone who decides to celebrate it any other way should be filled with shame, or ridiculed because they are doing the holiday some kind of disservice by having a parade the Saturday before. Newsflash: I’m pretty sure anyone who chooses to honor the holiday on the 17th is just as guilty of ruining its true purpose as anyone else. Pretty sure anyone who’s actually from Ireland would punk you out for lending your two cents to a holiday they are pissed we even celebrate in the US. This is why I really don’t care when or how anyone chooses to celebrate, or if they celebrate at all. I, however, like the idea of an Americanized holiday that celebrates some of my favorite things: redheads, drinking and gettin’ lucky! I think we can all agree on that. So, let’s stick to that plan instead – which could be celebrated 365 days a year. I think we should be celebrating all of these thangs more…hell, I do every weekend!

I decided to take the plunge last weekend and do the early morning boozing routine for the parade. Kegs and eggs on the Northside = you can still walk to all the haps even if you drink too much. Little did we know the party would be so bumpin’ that we’d miss the parade entirely. I doubt anyone really needs a recap of the parade anyway – we’ll save that for the mommy blogs. Instead, I would like to offer the mature parade partier a bit more insight as to how to do this holiday right…AKA how to partake in parade day festivities with minimal obnoxious interactions. Here are my recommendations:

1. Have or attend a kegs & eggs. This is a must. You’ve gotta get a good base for a full day of drinking. No running out of the house without having breakfast first – eat somethin! Green eggs and ham topped off with a guinness – the breakfast of champions. Champion drinkers!

2. Pace yo’self! I wouldn’t recommend doing any shots. I think the key to longevity on this day is sticking to beer. If you want to indulge in a little whiskey, slip it into some coffee. Limit your carbomb intake to 1 if you just can’t refuse. You’ll thank me in the mornin.

3. Skip the parade if it’s raining/snowing/too cold. If you’re desperate enough to booze outside in 10-degree weather because everybody else is, you might just have a problem. But who am I to judge?

4. Stay away from Market Square. Ever since they cracked down on the open container law, that place just isn’t the same. This year they restricted outside drinking from 2-6, which left every indoor spot in the square a mess. You couldn’t move. And nobody was drinking outside when we got there at 2. Nobody. The only people outside were the ones who couldn’t get into the bar.

5. Get a hotel! Quite possibly the best decision made that day was whoever decided to get a hotel at the Sheraton. We had our midday nappy poo/re-up and were good to go for the rest of the day. By the time we ventured out into the ruckus’, the crowd died down substantially. Sure, it was still packed, but that’s the only day of the year Station Square sees any action, so I don’t mind giving it up in that case.

There you have it. A 14-hour day of drinking PRO style. If you want to get the most out of next year’s parade experience, try following this advice. Since I got all of my celebrating out of the way, I’m feeling rather uninspired today. But soon, that will change. Once it’s time to bro out, I’ll be ready. The PGH Bro Club is back for their 2nd holiday installment of bleeps and bloops on this fine St. Pats day. Bust out yo’ green and be seen, peeps.

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