The St. Patrick's Day Party Guide
This bro to the left may look a lot like Jesus, but he is actually none other than St. Patrick, the man responsible for providing an excuse for millions of people to get collectively wasted, piss themselves and/or do crazy things in public on March 17. I would like to be able to segue into my interview shpiel and say “Oh we totally had a chance to chat with St. Pat himself” but seeing that he was born thousands of years ago, I couldn’t get in touch with his peeps. Instead, we’re here to coddle your beer gut and provide some words of wisdom on what to do with your holiday. We’ll also provide some endurance tips. Day drinking is no joke. No pussies allowed. We here at NakYouOut are more than qualified to tell you what’s up with St. Pats in the 412 this year. Get out your finest green striped button down, pop dat collar, and get ready to bro out while pretending to be Irish. Sounds like a plan to me.
First thing’s first. What to do? There’s the obvious choices…Get up early. Keg and egg it at someone’s crib. Go to parade downtown. Go to Market Square. Go to Station Square or South Side afterwards. Go to bed. Wake up with immense hangover. Do it all again next year. Or, you could take advantage of some of our suggestions. Here goes.
Of all the early morning haps, we’re gonna have to go with an early morning breakfast at The Smiling Moose. They’re starting insanely early, at 7AM, and will be cookin’ up an array of scrambled eggs, pancakes, pork sausage, maple ham, hash browns and nutella toast. I’m picking this because it’s early and I hear they have bangin’ food. All of that sounds quite delicious right now.
Then, why not stay in the South Side and head over to Z:Lounge for their Wake & Bake/Happy Ending Party. Because really, who doesn’t like to wake & bake?
An all day drinking session presents many options for the PGH partier. You can bar crawl it in the South Side, hit up some of the Irish pubs in the city, such as Piper’s, McArdle’s, Claddagh, Kelly’s Korner, or Harp & Fiddle. I’m sure there are more, but those are the ones that stick out in my mind. If you somehow manage to last all day and are down for more boozin’, might we suggest Pgh Bro Club presents ERIN GO BRAH! If you manage to make it that long, holy hell, congrats!
Last year I gave some advice to you novices about how to last as long as possible. I’m going to reshare these thoughts, as they’ve proven vital in having a successful day. Read up, follow these rules, and have a great time! Most importantly, stay safe. There are DUI checkpoints like a mofo this weekend, and I’m sure your broke ass can’t afford those fines.
1. Have or attend a kegs & eggs. This is a must. You’ve gotta get a good base for a full day of drinking. No running out of the house without having breakfast first â€“ eat somethin! Green eggs and ham topped off with a guinness â€“ the breakfast of champions. Champion drinkers!
2. Pace yo’self! I wouldn’t recommend doing any shots. I think the key to longevity on this day is sticking to beer. If you want to indulge in a little whiskey, slip it into some coffee. Limit your carbomb intake to 1 if you just can’t refuse. You’ll thank me in the mornin.
3. Skip the parade if it’s raining/snowing/too cold. Though this year, it’s supposed to be gorgeous!! If you’re desperate enough to booze outside in 10-degree weather because everybody else is, you might just have a problem. But who am I to judge?
4. Stay away from Market Square. Ever since they cracked down on the open container law, that place just isn’t the same. Last year they restricted outside drinking from 2-6, which left every indoor spot in the square a mess. You couldn’t move. And nobody was drinking outside when we got there at 2. Nobody. The only people outside were the ones who couldn’t get into the bar. I will probably be breaking this rule this year.
5. Get a hotel! Quite possibly the best decision made last year was whoever decided to get a hotel at the Sheraton. We had our midday nappy poo/re-up and were good to go for the rest of the day. By the time we ventured out into the ruckus’, the crowd died down substantially. Sure, it was still packed, but that’s the only day of the year Station Square sees any action, so I don’t mind giving it up in that case.